(DISCLAIMER: I write these posts for myself, mostly, so I am not looking for any sympathy from anyone. I like to track my life through writing and sometimes it’s a bit shite but it still counts.)
I’ve mentioned in the past about dealing with cutting myself, and how I had been free of doing it for almost 10 months. Annoyingly, I found myself in my bathroom listening to music (the usual set up) and found controlling the urge to cut unbearable.
I’m so angry at myself because I don’t struggle day to day with this. I feel the best I’ve felt in months. So I’m just so confused and frustrated about the situation. Oh, and this is not a pity party. I am a big girl and I recognise how stupid cutting yourself is. It makes no sense.
I haven’t had a period of intrusive thoughts for what feels like a life time, but sat in the bathroom looking at a pair of scissors was a frightening reminder than you don’t just get cured of stuff like OCD and compulsions to harm yourself.
I really am fine, I think I just maybe put myself in a situation I shouldn’t have without really noticing. And I think a large portion of that can be attributed to how well I’ve been feeling. I have absolutely no desire to do it again, which makes this whole thing very confusing. Normally I would go on really long sprees, but not this time.
I’m taking this as a weird and (so far?) unexplainable bump in my road. I’ve been so enjoying feeling like myself again these last few months and I am not letting that go for love nor money.
Sending the mostest love to anyone going through similar. It’s pretty tough sometimes.
Big luv
Nat x
AU-EN 