And if happiness won’t live with me I think I can live with that. You can keep all of your oxygen, hand me the nitrous gas.
Happiness is something we all chase, right? I feel like there is a massive pressure on us all to create and curate the perfect life that fulfils all of our wants and desires. Because this is what will make us happy. But in reality does anyone really experience pure, life-long happiness? I’m not sure.
I was very close to my maternal grandmother growing up (she lived about a 5 minute walk from my house and used to feed us biscuits and tea), and she was a beacon of happiness. My granny Mary always had a smile and a great story to tell, and she really was the life and soul of every room she entered. A woman that means so much to me. But what I didn’t see as a child, were all the other bits. The very tragically sad bits, the bits that ended up shaping her whole life. I think it’s pretty normal to see your heroes as perfect and happy and (basically) superhuman. The other bits are not always obvious, and sometimes very well hidden. Kept away from the light, just for them and their self.
I think about being happy quite a lot, and I internally put a lot of pressure on myself to be happy. I am a chronic worrier and constantly feel like me not being happy is very selfish and ignorant because what do I have to be sad about? I worry that maybe I’m not built to be happy. That some people are out on the planet to make others happy but just to be just ok themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve felt happiness, of course I have. But do I feel generally content and happy? No. No I don’t.
I’ve been searching hard for happiness, like I imagine most of us do. It’s exhausting. I’ve looked for happiness in alcohol. I’ve looked for happiness in drugs. I’ve looked for happiness in people. I’ve looked for happiness in sex. I’ve looked for happiness in my career. I’ve looked for happiness in solitude. What have I achieved? Existence, and not a lot more.
Should happiness be life-long or fleeting? Should we wait for happiness or seek it out? Should we feel happy to feel unhappy sometimes? Should we even be striving for something so frivolous in the first place?
Honestly, I’m not sure. I wish happiness was a given. I wish everyone had a life that brought them the magic H word. But I’m learning (mostly the hard way) that what people tell you life should be is normally not even close to the truth. And, much like my lovely granny, people who seem happy are not always. I feel like I spend a lot of my writing showing how little a handle I have on stuff like this. It’s frustrating to have to search so hard for something that’s meant to come naturally.
Will I continue to look for happiness in places I probably won’t find it? Probably. Will I be happy again? Definitely.
– Nat xo
AU-EN 